ain’t too proud to beg

See my shame. 


What you are looking at is my punishment. Actually, one of my punishments. Yes, i had to write lines, as if i was back in grade school. It may seem that i had gotten off easy, but the pain radiating from my right wrist (where i am beginning to develope carpal forsome time now) all the way up to my shoulders proves that 1) i realize that i do not write enough  on a day-to-day basis, and 2) that He knew exactly what He was doing. 

After my last post, i had an emotional breakdown (or as close i was going to get to one, with me being at work). Writing my last entry helped me realize that i really had been bratty for quite some time. So much so that i was being disrespectful. This horrified me, rightly so, and i went groveling before Him (through text anyway-still at work).

It is that time of the month, and although i usually don’t have any issues with that, i have been hella emotional. Quick to anger, crying at a moment’s notice. my hormones were so all over the place that if i didn’t know better i would’ve suspected i was knocked up. 

But here i was, weeping, begging forgiveness from Him. i was so ashamed of my behavior. my insecurities were flaming full-force, because i was afraid that He was going to leave me. All because i stopped submitting to Him. i didn’t realize that i did but i still did. All because i felt neglected from sexual starvation. 

i am so mad at myself right. How did i allow that to happen? Because i know now, that i should have been focused on Him. Not myself, not my selfishness for my carnal wants. If i had been focused on Him, i would’ve been able to keep my selfish behavior in check. i get my pleasure from pleasing and serving Him, just as He gets pleasure from my submission, which i had been starving Him of. 

i have been foolish. i lost sight of my purpose and i was headed to a self-fulfilling prophecy, of Him leaving me. me being no longer His. my eyes are beginning to tear as i write this. This is something that i cannot allow to happen. 

All this inner turmoil is a punishment in itself. But He isn’t done with me yet. He has also commanded me to continue to prove that i am to fully submit to Him, by calling Him Master in front of my best friends. Which effectively outs my lifestyle to those closest to me. i won’t lie, i am scared of what will happen. But the fear of losing Him weighs heavier than potentially being ostracized from my friends. So when the time comes, i will swallow my pride and do as my Master commanded. 

Oh, He has more fun for me i am sure. But i am not letting that deter me from accepting my penance for my behavior. i am feeling very vulnerable and raw but incredibly humbled. i am giving repentance so that i may feel worthy again to be His. 

i am my Master’s slave; He has control, not i. i am to listen, obey, and do as He says, when He says and how He says. i will not be selfish and i will learn my role. i am to support my Master 24/7.

i got the message, Master. Loud and clear. 

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finding focus 

One of the hardest things to do is apologizing. Pride… it’s a helluva drug. 

After my last post, i decided to do some serious mediating. i was driving myself mad on the forced celibacy. i was obsessing over something i could not control. 

And then it hit me: control. i had no control. 

i am not supposed to have control. He is the one with control. He has dominion over my mind, body and soul. And i realized i was fighting a losing battle, for control. Even if it was control over our sex life, i was still trying to control. Not only that, but i was being bratty to boot. i have been completely out of turn. 

After that little epiphany, i took a step back and reevaluated my circumstances. Considering my behavior, He had every right to correct me long ago. i don’t know if it was patience, or if He was hesitant because of the trust we’re repairing, or whatever. i was so focused on what i was missing… craving, that i didn’t realize that i wasn’t being the sub i should have been. 

So i started back to basics, to regain my sense of submission to Him. i gave Him back rubs daily. i fixed His lunch for work. i begged to worship His cock. And, i even requested punishment. Yes, i asked for a spanking. Not the good kind either. Yeah, i still feel the pain from that one. 

Eating crow is hard, especially when you’ve felt like you did nothing wrong at the time. But once i decided to look at the situation objectively, i realized i still have lots of work to do. 

Interestingly enough, He gave me advice during a disagreement we were having at the time. The advice was for learning to orgasm on demand. But those words was useful for my ongoing dilemma. 

“Focus on Me.”

He told me that instead of focusing on getting myself to orgasm, i should be focusing on Him instead. On how much it would please Him if i came. How much pride He would have with me. 

It was a new concept for me, but I immediately realized that those same words could be applied to our dynamic as well. i needed to focus on Him. If i was focusing on being His ideal sub, serving Him, pleasing Him, then i wouldn’t have started behaving bratty, selfishly. Even to the point that i stopped being submissive! i was likely even making everything worse, pushing Him further away. 

Right now, i am no longer going to focus on my carnal wants. i am going to focus on Him from now on. Reinforce my role as His sub. Maybe i’ll learn even more in the process. 

Stay kinky my friends. 

pool of tears 

So yeah. It’s been hella long since i last posted. And hella shit has happened since. 

A week after my last post, i had a ground-shaking discovery. Like, “the sky is falling” serious. i won’t go into details for the sake of my privacy (and His), but it was pretty bad. Bad enough to not only break my trust in Him, but also shatter of my perfect image of my Dom. 

Yes, He’s still my Dom. It still took much effort and introspection to continue with our dynamic. But ultimately, i see it as our first bumpy patch on our journey. 

i have had another major change since then: having a 24/7 dynamic. Our timetable for that was regrettably moved up, and the timing sucked given what happened. But i took a risk and followed my heart. 

Things began okay. Given what happened, our dynamic was weakened, so i am not sure if i should really call it 24/7. But dynamic was still there, so i will. 

It has been a huge adjustment in our household. Not only was i getting used to sharing it with a man (it’s been almost four years since i have lived with a man), but so were my children. There was a new alpha in the house and there was push back to say the least. Things have gotten better on that front.

But right now i am struggling. Things have gotten pretty vanilla between us i have noticed. It wasn’t intentional; i believe it was just the way we were healing our dynamic. 

But i have begun to notice other things for the past few weeks, at least on the intimate level. Granted, as we are now having to deal with our sex life with two children the next room over, i expected for us to… adapt for the time being. 

But things have slowed to a crawl. Before, living apart had restricted our scenes to weekend trips away one a month. i admit, now that we were living together, i expected every day and twice on Sundays. 

Now that we’re in the last leg of summer, it’s once a week, barely. No joke. Vanilla. No scenes, just vanilla. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. And to make matters worse, i get turned down for sex more often than not. 

To our credit, we did have a discussion a couple of weeks ago that was a bit revealing, although not particularly satisfying. i accepted His explanation on things and i realized that i was reacting pretty bratty about everything (and not in a good way).

So i decided to tone it down, back off. i realize that i was putting too much pressure on Him, and in the grand scheme of things, our (lack of) an adequate sex life was minor in light of recent issues with His family. 

Another reason, however, is that i am getting tired of the rejection. And yes, it is rejection. One can try and get turned down enough times before they begin internalizing. Is it me? What am i doing, not doing? 

i admittedly have a problem of overthinking things when it comes to Him, because of my fears of loss, rejection and inadequacy. And whether He realizes it or not, it’s not helping me overcome those fears. As i have said before, despite their words, men have shown me through their actions that i am not enough. And how can i believe that i am enough when i am not feeling from Him that i am enough?
Maybe i am being bratty. Maybe i am overreacting. But it still stands that i am having these negative feelings bottled up inside and i don’t know what to do with them. 

But…. 

Know what? This could all just be me suffering from a case of the proverbial blue balls. Sexual frustration. Seriously, i do feel like crying. Oh, how i really want to just grab the back of His neck and demand that He fucks me into submission. Think that will go over well?? 

Yes, this was a vent. Thanks for listening.