One of the hardest things to do is apologizing. Pride… it’s a helluva drug.
After my last post, i decided to do some serious mediating. i was driving myself mad on the forced celibacy. i was obsessing over something i could not control.
And then it hit me: control. i had no control.
i am not supposed to have control. He is the one with control. He has dominion over my mind, body and soul. And i realized i was fighting a losing battle, for control. Even if it was control over our sex life, i was still trying to control. Not only that, but i was being bratty to boot. i have been completely out of turn.
After that little epiphany, i took a step back and reevaluated my circumstances. Considering my behavior, He had every right to correct me long ago. i don’t know if it was patience, or if He was hesitant because of the trust we’re repairing, or whatever. i was so focused on what i was missing… craving, that i didn’t realize that i wasn’t being the sub i should have been.
So i started back to basics, to regain my sense of submission to Him. i gave Him back rubs daily. i fixed His lunch for work. i begged to worship His cock. And, i even requested punishment. Yes, i asked for a spanking. Not the good kind either. Yeah, i still feel the pain from that one.
Eating crow is hard, especially when you’ve felt like you did nothing wrong at the time. But once i decided to look at the situation objectively, i realized i still have lots of work to do.
Interestingly enough, He gave me advice during a disagreement we were having at the time. The advice was for learning to orgasm on demand. But those words was useful for my ongoing dilemma.
“Focus on Me.”
He told me that instead of focusing on getting myself to orgasm, i should be focusing on Him instead. On how much it would please Him if i came. How much pride He would have with me.
It was a new concept for me, but I immediately realized that those same words could be applied to our dynamic as well. i needed to focus on Him. If i was focusing on being His ideal sub, serving Him, pleasing Him, then i wouldn’t have started behaving bratty, selfishly. Even to the point that i stopped being submissive! i was likely even making everything worse, pushing Him further away.
Right now, i am no longer going to focus on my carnal wants. i am going to focus on Him from now on. Reinforce my role as His sub. Maybe i’ll learn even more in the process.
Stay kinky my friends.