See my shame.
What you are looking at is my punishment. Actually, one of my punishments. Yes, i had to write lines, as if i was back in grade school. It may seem that i had gotten off easy, but the pain radiating from my right wrist (where i am beginning to develope carpal forsome time now) all the way up to my shoulders proves that 1) i realize that i do not write enough on a day-to-day basis, and 2) that He knew exactly what He was doing.
After my last post, i had an emotional breakdown (or as close i was going to get to one, with me being at work). Writing my last entry helped me realize that i really had been bratty for quite some time. So much so that i was being disrespectful. This horrified me, rightly so, and i went groveling before Him (through text anyway-still at work).
It is that time of the month, and although i usually don’t have any issues with that, i have been hella emotional. Quick to anger, crying at a moment’s notice. my hormones were so all over the place that if i didn’t know better i would’ve suspected i was knocked up.
But here i was, weeping, begging forgiveness from Him. i was so ashamed of my behavior. my insecurities were flaming full-force, because i was afraid that He was going to leave me. All because i stopped submitting to Him. i didn’t realize that i did but i still did. All because i felt neglected from sexual starvation.
i am so mad at myself right. How did i allow that to happen? Because i know now, that i should have been focused on Him. Not myself, not my selfishness for my carnal wants. If i had been focused on Him, i would’ve been able to keep my selfish behavior in check. i get my pleasure from pleasing and serving Him, just as He gets pleasure from my submission, which i had been starving Him of.
i have been foolish. i lost sight of my purpose and i was headed to a self-fulfilling prophecy, of Him leaving me. me being no longer His. my eyes are beginning to tear as i write this. This is something that i cannot allow to happen.
All this inner turmoil is a punishment in itself. But He isn’t done with me yet. He has also commanded me to continue to prove that i am to fully submit to Him, by calling Him Master in front of my best friends. Which effectively outs my lifestyle to those closest to me. i won’t lie, i am scared of what will happen. But the fear of losing Him weighs heavier than potentially being ostracized from my friends. So when the time comes, i will swallow my pride and do as my Master commanded.
Oh, He has more fun for me i am sure. But i am not letting that deter me from accepting my penance for my behavior. i am feeling very vulnerable and raw but incredibly humbled. i am giving repentance so that i may feel worthy again to be His.
“i am my Master’s slave; He has control, not i. i am to listen, obey, and do as He says, when He says and how He says. i will not be selfish and i will learn my role. i am to support my Master 24/7.”
i got the message, Master. Loud and clear.