So yeah. It’s been hella long since i last posted. And hella shit has happened since.
A week after my last post, i had a ground-shaking discovery. Like, “the sky is falling” serious. i won’t go into details for the sake of my privacy (and His), but it was pretty bad. Bad enough to not only break my trust in Him, but also shatter of my perfect image of my Dom.
Yes, He’s still my Dom. It still took much effort and introspection to continue with our dynamic. But ultimately, i see it as our first bumpy patch on our journey.
i have had another major change since then: having a 24/7 dynamic. Our timetable for that was regrettably moved up, and the timing sucked given what happened. But i took a risk and followed my heart.
Things began okay. Given what happened, our dynamic was weakened, so i am not sure if i should really call it 24/7. But dynamic was still there, so i will.
It has been a huge adjustment in our household. Not only was i getting used to sharing it with a man (it’s been almost four years since i have lived with a man), but so were my children. There was a new alpha in the house and there was push back to say the least. Things have gotten better on that front.
But right now i am struggling. Things have gotten pretty vanilla between us i have noticed. It wasn’t intentional; i believe it was just the way we were healing our dynamic.
But i have begun to notice other things for the past few weeks, at least on the intimate level. Granted, as we are now having to deal with our sex life with two children the next room over, i expected for us to… adapt for the time being.
But things have slowed to a crawl. Before, living apart had restricted our scenes to weekend trips away one a month. i admit, now that we were living together, i expected every day and twice on Sundays.
Now that we’re in the last leg of summer, it’s once a week, barely. No joke. Vanilla. No scenes, just vanilla. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. And to make matters worse, i get turned down for sex more often than not.
To our credit, we did have a discussion a couple of weeks ago that was a bit revealing, although not particularly satisfying. i accepted His explanation on things and i realized that i was reacting pretty bratty about everything (and not in a good way).
So i decided to tone it down, back off. i realize that i was putting too much pressure on Him, and in the grand scheme of things, our (lack of) an adequate sex life was minor in light of recent issues with His family.
Another reason, however, is that i am getting tired of the rejection. And yes, it is rejection. One can try and get turned down enough times before they begin internalizing. Is it me? What am i doing, not doing?
i admittedly have a problem of overthinking things when it comes to Him, because of my fears of loss, rejection and inadequacy. And whether He realizes it or not, it’s not helping me overcome those fears. As i have said before, despite their words, men have shown me through their actions that i am not enough. And how can i believe that i am enough when i am not feeling from Him that i am enough?
Maybe i am being bratty. Maybe i am overreacting. But it still stands that i am having these negative feelings bottled up inside and i don’t know what to do with them.
Know what? This could all just be me suffering from a case of the proverbial blue balls. Sexual frustration. Seriously, i do feel like crying. Oh, how i really want to just grab the back of His neck and demand that He fucks me into submission. Think that will go over well??
Yes, this was a vent. Thanks for listening.