caucus race and a long tale 

Would you look at that? It wasn’t until after posting my last update that i used the title of the first two chapters from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. So i am gonna continue doing so. Who knows? The references to the book could be my way of dealing with my emotional turmoil. 

Yeahhhhhh… i am full of shit. Anywho. This post was inspired while writing the last one. A two-for, lucky you. 

This is an official proclamation, an assertion to my Dom. So here goes: 

Although i am mostly enjoying our adjustment into 24/7, You are first and foremost my Daddy, Dominant and Master. 

You are Daddy. You are to exemplify humility and involvement. You are a listener and make Yourself available for teaching moments. You are to be nurturing and emphatic to Your babygirl’s emotional needs. 

You are Dom. You are to exemplify direction and safety.  You are to be knowledgeable and consistent. You are to cultivate passion and desire in Your dynamic. You are her guiding light. You are to ignite sexual awareness within her. You are to uplift and invigorate Your sub’s physical needs. 

You are Master. Your word is bond and law. You are the head, the guide. You are to train Your subject to match her will to Yours, for her to be an extension of You, to be of one with You. Through order, rules and tasks, You are to strengthen and energize Your subject’s mental needs. 

i feel it, the realization of my turmoil. i feel my submission ebbing away because the passion is gone. 

No more do i see the look of desire in Your eyes when You look at me. The look of You wanting to devour me. 

No more do i feel Your possessive hands on my body or feel the rough kiss on my lips to intentionally take my breath away. 

The imbalance is there. i am not feeling the dominance from you, and i am reacting poorly.  

Feelings of sadness and hurt constantly dwell within me and i feel… alone. When i say i want to be close to You, it means i don’t feel close to You. That wedge between Your dominance and my submissiveness is getting wider. 

Oh God, how i love you. i love You, the man. The Dom. The Master. The man You are, and the man You want to be. 

Please don’t question my love. Please accept my submission. My submission to You as Your sub, Your subject and Your lifemate and mother to Your children. 

i do not only ask You for Your guidance, for Your love, for Your dominance. i demand it, i crave it. i am hungry, thirsty. i ache for the subsistence Your dominance provides for me. 

Are You listening? i need You. You have purpose, You are my purpose. i am Yours. 

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pool of tears 

So yeah. It’s been hella long since i last posted. And hella shit has happened since. 

A week after my last post, i had a ground-shaking discovery. Like, “the sky is falling” serious. i won’t go into details for the sake of my privacy (and His), but it was pretty bad. Bad enough to not only break my trust in Him, but also shatter of my perfect image of my Dom. 

Yes, He’s still my Dom. It still took much effort and introspection to continue with our dynamic. But ultimately, i see it as our first bumpy patch on our journey. 

i have had another major change since then: having a 24/7 dynamic. Our timetable for that was regrettably moved up, and the timing sucked given what happened. But i took a risk and followed my heart. 

Things began okay. Given what happened, our dynamic was weakened, so i am not sure if i should really call it 24/7. But dynamic was still there, so i will. 

It has been a huge adjustment in our household. Not only was i getting used to sharing it with a man (it’s been almost four years since i have lived with a man), but so were my children. There was a new alpha in the house and there was push back to say the least. Things have gotten better on that front.

But right now i am struggling. Things have gotten pretty vanilla between us i have noticed. It wasn’t intentional; i believe it was just the way we were healing our dynamic. 

But i have begun to notice other things for the past few weeks, at least on the intimate level. Granted, as we are now having to deal with our sex life with two children the next room over, i expected for us to… adapt for the time being. 

But things have slowed to a crawl. Before, living apart had restricted our scenes to weekend trips away one a month. i admit, now that we were living together, i expected every day and twice on Sundays. 

Now that we’re in the last leg of summer, it’s once a week, barely. No joke. Vanilla. No scenes, just vanilla. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. And to make matters worse, i get turned down for sex more often than not. 

To our credit, we did have a discussion a couple of weeks ago that was a bit revealing, although not particularly satisfying. i accepted His explanation on things and i realized that i was reacting pretty bratty about everything (and not in a good way).

So i decided to tone it down, back off. i realize that i was putting too much pressure on Him, and in the grand scheme of things, our (lack of) an adequate sex life was minor in light of recent issues with His family. 

Another reason, however, is that i am getting tired of the rejection. And yes, it is rejection. One can try and get turned down enough times before they begin internalizing. Is it me? What am i doing, not doing? 

i admittedly have a problem of overthinking things when it comes to Him, because of my fears of loss, rejection and inadequacy. And whether He realizes it or not, it’s not helping me overcome those fears. As i have said before, despite their words, men have shown me through their actions that i am not enough. And how can i believe that i am enough when i am not feeling from Him that i am enough?
Maybe i am being bratty. Maybe i am overreacting. But it still stands that i am having these negative feelings bottled up inside and i don’t know what to do with them. 

But…. 

Know what? This could all just be me suffering from a case of the proverbial blue balls. Sexual frustration. Seriously, i do feel like crying. Oh, how i really want to just grab the back of His neck and demand that He fucks me into submission. Think that will go over well?? 

Yes, this was a vent. Thanks for listening.