Hey lurkers! Pretty kitti is about to make a ground shaking announcement. Well, for me anyway.
i think i may have experienced my first subdrop. And it sucked.
i didn’t realize it at first. i was doing the regular, vanilla thing: going to work, running errands, taking care of my kids… blah blah. The days tend to blur together. During the week it’s work, then kids and dinner and chores, and before i know it, it’s time for bed.
So last Sunday, i had a bit of difficulty with my cable company and that irritated me a bit. Daddy called shortly after. Normally just the sound of His voice calms me and improves my mood. But my attempt at sarcasm did not come off well with Him and i became defensive when He called me out on it.
So my pissy mood continued throughout the day and into Monday. At this point i am in full introvert mode. i didn’t feel like being bothered by anyone. i wanted to curl up in bed, blast my emo music and sleep the day away. But i realized that i am not on the Forbes list, so i got my ass up to go to work.
Things between Daddy and i were fine. But i just couldn’t put myself out of my funk. i had my headphones on all day. Every time someone asked me a question, i felt like replying with a “Bah humbug!”
What was irritating me even more was how moody i was being. i normally have a nice temperament, but i felt like lashing at every one. i hate being mean, and the thought of being mean made me feel guilty. That started to depress me, which pissed me off further because i was being so damn emotional. Gah!!
i was having an emotional overload, all while at work. i wanted to scream, to cry, to get my booty rubbed by Daddy. At this point, i was blaming this on my hormones; i had gotten new birth control last month. i was afraid my funk was going to last for days.
But… an amazing thing happened.
i haven’t seen Daddy in a while due to Him being out of town. So when He says i’m going to see Him this weekend, i get excited of course. But by the end of the day, i realized that i felt so much amazingly better.
Son of a bitch. The reason for me going nuts was because i missed Him?? Well… shit.
All of the melancholy, the anger, the hopelessness, the jealousy… was because i missed being in His presence. i am incredibly humbled.
First, it made me realize how much He affects me. Just the mere thought of being close to Him has calmed the anxiety that has been building inside of me. An anxiety that brought about feelings of loneliness, insecurity and jealousy. Jealousy at the thought of someone else having His attention. Seeing His smile, laughing at His jokes. Loneliness from not being at His side every day. Insecurity from worrying that i won’t be enough.
But all of it stopped quickly, once i knew i was going to see Him in a few days. And just like that, i had my first subdrop.
So how do i feel about this? Honestly, a bit scared. i’ve never had anyone who had so much control over my emotions. It’s one thing to transfer your bad mood to another person, just so you can feel better about yourself. But it’s totally different that another person’s presence has such an effect on you.
i have experienced the pull towards Him, the gravity of His dominance. And after having the full immersion of our dynamic, i now crave it… and i didn’t even realize it. Such a fool i was, thinking it was just a superficial feeling of missing Him, when all along i have been aching to kneel before Him. Feel His gaze upon me, making me feel so incredibly naked and vulnerable before Him.
Having that openness has been scary but also very liberating. i see how much of my training has affected me. i feel like i am a step closer to being His perfect sub. One step closer to being an extension of Him. One step closer to absolute freedom.
God, i can’t wait.
Stay kinky my friends,