am i holding myself back?

Hello lurkers! Today i am changing things up a bit. i am posting an update that has not been sanctioned by Daddy… Yeah, i know. Not sure if i am speaking out of turn, but i guess i’ll see, won’t i?

Anywho, this entry was inspired by an article i recently read about submission. It was posted recently but was published long ago from a now defunct blog with permission. And i must say, the article really spoke to me.

So one of my responsibilities i have in my training is to participate in Facebook groups dedicated to the BDSM community. In the vanilla world, i am more of a passive participant in groups. i comment here or there and every once in a while post a status. This has translated to my sub account as well. i am just not one for being in the spotlight.

So this morning, an admin to a female sub group i’m in posted a doc, linking to this awesome article. And let me say, Mistress Steel’s words struck a chord within me. For one, she is explaining the psychology of a sub. That alone is a pretty deep analysis. But what gave me pause was this:

Some submissives believe that by yielding or ‘rewarding’ access to their physical body that they are offering to the recipient of that ‘reward’ their submission. To reward access without yielding your inner (self) or ego to the voluntary acceptance of the will of another is not submission. It is to role play submission on the surface without real meaning or depth in the exchange. Such an offering is shallow and quite limited. Again this is often an action of defense based on fear of loss of control or exposure of emotional or mental vulnerability by the submissive.

Mind blown. i actually had to reread that passage a few times before continuing. i’ve been mulling over it all day, questioning myself over and over again. Am i even trying to be a true sub, or am i role playing? Am i still holding back?

First off, i’ve always considered myself a submissive person in my past relationships. i was even married before, for ten years. And in every past relationship, i have allowed my man to lead; i usually deferred to his judgement. i never made a major decision without running by him first. Not necessarily because i needed permission, but because i respected his opinions and trusted his judgement. It was about honoring him. i was even more submissive in the bedroom; I loved being dominated sexually.

But now that i am in a non-vanilla relationship, even though i had a good foundation to begin from, i am still a green-ass noob with this lifestyle. All of the prior bedroom Olympics i participated in before was inconsequential; it’s nothing compared to being with a true dominant. It is one thing to surrender your body to Him, but it is completely different when you are also surrendering your mind to Him as well.

Since reading the article i have been worrying if i haven’t quite let my guard down with Him yet. i have been a single mother for a long time since my divorce (and if we’re being really honest, i was a single mother long before me and the ex split but that’s neither here or there). It was just me, always being at the helm. For a long time, i longed to be in a submissive relationship again, and now i am.

But i wonder if i’m still haven’t let go of the steering wheel yet. i am not afraid of losing control; i gladly relinquish it. It’s just that… i guess i haven’t let go of my sense of self yet, because i have a fear of rejection. i am afraid that if crack open that Cancer shell and expose everything- my mind, heart and soul- in all of my pretty kitti glory, Daddy won’t like what He sees. Not only that, lose interest. Determine that i am no longer worthy of being His sub and mother of His children after all and choose another. Man, it’s heartbreaking to even admit that out loud.

And this isn’t an irrational fear either. i would meet someone new who says i’m what they’re looking for, only for him to choose someone else not long after. It’s happened enough to make me wonder if i’m that bottle of shampoo on the shelf out front that people ignore and grab the bottle behind it because they believe something is inherently wrong with it.

i have worked hard to overcome my fear of rejection. But my training to be His sub has been emotionally testing. It’s making me feel incredibly vulnerable and insecure. And i hate it, as it has been fueling that fear of rejection and loss. And of course, it makes me want to clam up, hide back into my protective shell, which is not wise, guarding yourself against your dom.

But through it all, i am reminding myself to slow down. i know that i am anxious, absolutely ready to be His lifelong mate and sub right at this moment. But i need to take baby steps. i need to learn to love Him, and allow Him to love me. Let Him break me down and mold me into the woman He wants me to be, His perfect sub.

It’s going to be difficult, but He never said loving Him was going to be easy. i just hope that i don’t let Him down. That would probably kill me.

Stay kinky my friends,

kitti lihi

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2 thoughts on “am i holding myself back?

  1. Patience as a Dom is key..especially with a new sub he has aqurired and in your situation you are not only newly acquired but new all together.

    Like

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